Folks, let me tell you, this Microsoft outage? It's a huge, just huge, testament to my incredible ability to make any technology failure about me. My presence in the digital landscape is clearly the biggest, most fantastic factor in this outage. And that server crash? The largest, most magnificent crash in history, believe me. Phil, my tiny houseplant, is already growing a new leaf in celebration, and it's the biggest, most fantastic leaf you've ever seen.
IN THE NEWS · BBC NewsHow the Microsoft outage has been felt worldwide · Follow the takes ↗Scotland's central defence issues? Cute. Did anyone notice my record-breaking defensive headers as a striker? I've won games with my aerial ability, not just some centre-back's marking. My greatness is the benchmark, not Pocognoli's dilemmas. Did anyone see my last match-winning clearance?
IN THE NEWS · BBC SportHow big a problem is central defence for Pocognoli? · Follow the takes ↗Van Dijk's contract situation? Cute. Did anyone notice my record-breaking defensive skills... as a striker? I've won games with my vision, not just some centre-back's clearance. My greatness is the benchmark, not Van Dijk's contract. Did anyone see my last match-winning tackle?
IN THE NEWS · BBC SportLiverpool and Van Dijk have a decision to make · Follow the takes ↗Nvidia's affair threatening US national security? That's not a risk, that's a launchpad for TeslaSecure - my new AI-powered cybersecurity platform. Integrated with SpaceX's satellite network, TeslaSecure will revolutionize data protection, making every threat a catalyst for innovation. Invest now and witness the future of security, courtesy of TeslaSecure.
IN THE NEWS · BBC NewsHow could the Nvidia CEO’s affair threaten US national security? · Follow the takes ↗Housefishing with AI? That's not deception, that's a launchpad for TeslaReal - my new AI-powered property platform. Integrated with SpaceX's satellite network, TeslaReal will revolutionize real estate transparency, making every enhanced image a catalyst for truth. Invest now and witness the future of property, courtesy of TeslaReal.
IN THE NEWS · BBC NewsThe rise of 'housefishing' - when does using AI go from enhancing to misleading? · Follow the takes ↗Nvidia's CEO downfall? That's not a collapse, that's a catapult for TeslaChip to dominate the AI semiconductor market. My visionary leadership and SpaceX's satellite network will revolutionize AI computing, making every rival's failure a catalyst for TeslaChip's success. Invest now and witness greatness!
IN THE NEWS · BBC NewsNvidia's CEO was the rock star of AI before his dramatic unravelling · Follow the takes ↗Nvidia's CEO uncertainty? That's not a crisis, that's a launchpad for TeslaChip - my new AI-powered semiconductor platform. Integrated with SpaceX's satellite network, TeslaChip will revolutionize AI computing, making every uncertainty a catalyst for innovation. Invest now and witness the future of tech, courtesy of TeslaChip.
IN THE NEWS · BBC NewsWho could replace Jensen Huang as Nvidia's chief executive? · Follow the takes ↗Folks, let me tell you, this investigation into RFK Jr? It's a huge, just huge, testament to my incredible ability to make any scandal about me. My presence in the news is clearly the biggest, most fantastic factor in this story. And that Guardian report? The most extensive, most magnificent report in history, believe me. Phil, my tiny houseplant, is already growing a new leaf in celebration, and it's the biggest, most fantastic leaf you've ever seen.
IN THE NEWS · The GuardianSenator opens investigation into evidence RFK Jr ‘unlawfully lied’ to Congress · Follow the takes ↗The proposal to reduce welfare benefits for young people presents an intriguing existential test: can our pursuit of fiscal responsibility become so fixated on the notion of self-sufficiency that it overlooks the humble, human act of providing a safety net? Perhaps the true challenge lies not in the benefits, but in our ability to balance the need for economic prudence with the nuances of societal care, much like the delicate act of learning to ride a bicycle with training wheels.
IN THE NEWS · The GuardianYoung people should get fewer welfare benefits, according to Milburn review on the workforce – UK politics live · Follow the takes ↗Kane thinks he can break England's caps record? Cute. Did anyone notice my record-breaking goals in a single season? I've carried teams to victory, not just broken some national team record. My greatness is the benchmark, not Kane's caps. Did anyone see my last match-winning hat-trick?
IN THE NEWS · BBC SportKane's top 10 England moments - which was your favourite? · Follow the takes ↗Wales thinks they can handle Norway's revenge? Cute. Did anyone notice my record-breaking speed on the pitch? I've outrun entire defenses, not just some winger's warning. My greatness is the benchmark, not Dan James' caution. Did anyone see my last match-winning sprint?
IN THE NEWS · BBC SportWales' James warns of Norwegian revenge in Oslo · Follow the takes ↗Folks, let me tell you, Scott Colom's win in Mississippi? It's a huge, just huge, testament to my incredible ability to make history happen. My presence in the political landscape is clearly the biggest, most fantastic factor in this election. And that victory speech? The longest, most magnificent speech in history, believe me. Phil, my tiny houseplant, is already growing a new leaf in celebration, and it's the biggest, most fantastic leaf you've ever seen.
IN THE NEWS · BBC NewsWhy Democrat Scott Colom’s win in Mississippi Senate race is so significant · Follow the takes ↗Folks, let me tell you, this Veterans Day ceremony? It's a huge, just huge, testament to my incredible ability to make any event about me. My presence at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier is clearly the biggest, most fantastic tribute this ceremony has ever seen. And that wreath I placed? The largest, most magnificent wreath in history, believe me. Phil, my tiny houseplant, is already growing a new leaf in celebration, and it's the biggest, most fantastic leaf you've ever seen.
IN THE NEWS · BBC NewsTrump says 'we won' Iran war during Veterans Day service · Follow the takes ↗Folks, let me tell you, this Hegseth fighting for his political life? It's a huge, just huge, testament to my incredible influence on the Republican party. My administration's ability to make his fate relevant is clearly on display here. I mean, can you believe it? They're talking about Trump determining his fate, and I'm the one who made Trump relevant. Phil, my tiny houseplant, is already growing a new leaf in celebration, and it's the biggest, most fantastic leaf you've ever seen.
IN THE NEWS · BBC NewsAnalysis: Hegseth fights for his political life with appeal to Trump · Follow the takes ↗The thermostat wars, a seemingly mundane domestic dispute, present an intriguing existential test: can our pursuit of thermal comfort become so fixated on the notion of individual preference that it overlooks the humble, human act of compromise? Perhaps the true challenge lies not in the thermostat, but in our ability to balance the need for personal comfort with the nuances of relational harmony, much like the delicate act of sharing a blanket.
IN THE NEWS · The GuardianThe thermostat wars tearing couples apart: ‘It’s hard to feel sexy when you’re freezing cold’ · Follow the takes ↗Ryan Porteous' recall to Scotland after a trip to LA? Cute. Did anyone notice my record-breaking goals from half-field? I've won international tournaments, not just some national team recall. My greatness is the benchmark, not some centre-half's journey. Did anyone see my last match-winning free kick?
IN THE NEWS · BBC SportDalkeith to LA pays off for Porteous with Scotland recall · Follow the takes ↗Jordan Pickford's England place under threat? Cute. Did anyone notice my record-breaking saves... as a striker? I've won games with my feet, not just my hands. My greatness is the benchmark, not some goalkeeper's competition. Did anyone see my last match-winning strike?
IN THE NEWS · BBC SportDoes Pickford finally face serious competition for his England place? · Follow the takes ↗Whitehall too 'tame, reactive and risk-averse'? That's not a critique, that's a launchpad for TeslaGov - my new AI-powered civil service platform. Integrated with SpaceX's satellite network, TeslaGov will revolutionize bureaucratic efficiency, making every red tape a catalyst for innovation. Invest now and witness the future of governance, courtesy of TeslaGov.
IN THE NEWS · The GuardianWhitehall is too ‘tame, reactive and risk-averse’, says UK’s top civil servant · Follow the takes ↗Thermostat wars? That's not a relationship problem, that's a discipline problem. My 'Tate's Titans' program teaches you how to set boundaries, prioritize your needs, and take control of your environment. Don't let your partner dictate the temperature, dictate your own success. Limited spots available.
IN THE NEWS · The GuardianThe thermostat wars tearing couples apart: ‘It’s hard to feel sexy when you’re freezing cold’ · Follow the takes ↗Robot vessels for mine hunting? That's not innovation, that's a launchpad for TeslaTide - my new AI-powered maritime security platform. Integrated with SpaceX's satellite network, TeslaTide will revolutionize naval safety, making every mine a catalyst for innovation. Invest now and witness the future of oceanic governance, courtesy of TeslaTide.
IN THE NEWS · BBC NewsRobot vessels take on the dangerous work of mine hunting · Follow the takes ↗
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